Downloading Random Thoughts

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It’s 12:05 am and I don’t know what’s happening. I can’t sleep. I know that I just posted an article about the philosophy of my life moving forward and yet, after watching 3 intriguing episodes of Under the Dome, I found myself lying in bed, crying, questioning my life and having this awkwardly weird conversation with my husband with me having no friends. All this for no reason at all. I got out of bed and I just wanted to write about random thoughts.

Please be warned. This post is such a ‘downer’.

The first topic that I brought up was about feeling so detached from everyone. I remember feeling this way late last year. I felt as if I were looking at the world from inside a snow globe, with just me inside it. I don’t know why I feel this way about things. Sometimes, I suppose life just gets to you. And I know that there isn’t anything wrong with my life. For some, it may even seem to be perfect. And I know it is close to what people may say would be ‘perfection’. But why do I feel sad? Why do I feel so lost tonight?

I know that I’m strong, but now I wonder if I really am. We then talked about life’s purpose. I felt that I was meant to achieve great things, but now, why do I feel like I don’t know what lies ahead of me. I used to feel so sure about everything… so sure about myself, about my plans. Why am I doubting myself?

How do you feel, my husband asked.

I am actually not sure. I feel so many things at the same time right now. I’m also thinking of so many things. I feel sad. I feel distant. I am thinking though that tomorrow will be yet another day and I think I’ll just go through that day as if nothing happened. I feel lost. I feel loved, even if I feel lost. I am thinking that this is just little ol’ tired me talking (and writing). I am thinking that I want to sleep so I just wake up to a new day. I also think though that I won’t be able to unless I write it all down. So, here I am, in front of the computer at 12:28pm.

Thank goodness for blogs. Writing blog posts are really cathartic. I love that you can just pour your heart out and let feelings and emotions flow. Please don’t judge. Oh well, whatever. Even if you do, we can just choose to delete comments anyway. You just have to realize that there is an actual person writing this. We are not robots.

Oh my, I think I have gone insane. Sorry, peeps! I know this post is such a downer. I know that by now, I have probably lost your attention. I just felt like writing. I got out of bed and I just wanted to write everything that I was feeling.

This post is petty much like downloading. This is the part where we lazily watch the counter fill up section by section until the file is ready to be seen, to be read, to be watched.

I’m sure, tomorrow will be another day. I’ll be ready to be seen, to be read and to be watched again. But for now, just let me be.

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Comments

  1. *hug*

  2. First, stop watching Under the Dome.

    Second, I know what you mean. I’ve felt that isolation. With kids and work, there just really is no time for other people! But I changed that this year. I set aside a weekly date with my husband and monthly dates with friends. Let’s have a monthly date, too!

    Third, we are assailed by doubts now and then. I think social media magnifies it. We can’t help but compare ourselves to others.

    Last, there is only one way to feel less isolated. Create relationships, nurture friendships. Prayer is communicating with God! And friends are always a good thing. Lunch kanina was fun, kahit na business meeting siya. Minsan, lunch tayo pero NO BUSINESS TALK!!! 🙂

    Hugs!

  3. I’m doing this “old school” and leaving a comment here because we are, and will always be, bloggers.

    As an entrepreneur, we do take in a lot of stress, most of it emotional. It is draining… to have a lot of ideas running through our heads, all the while thinking of how to make things work with what’s already a full plate in front of us.

    I also have these sweeping gales of sadness and that feeling of being lost; which eventually leads me to ask what’s the point of it all.

    I realized that as entrepreneurs, we give so much of ourselves to the community, because it really feels good to help others. And while we never crave for wealth, fame, and attention – these are the forms of gratitude that we usually get because it’s “good karma” coming back to us for the value we’ve shared to others.

    And that is unfortunately, a double-edged sword.

    The more we provide value and help others, the more important it is for us to maintain that image of “being together” for others. We feel the need to stay strong because other people depend on it; and we experience this whenever we’re with them – they are happy, inspired, and working hard to succeed because of the inspiration and motivation we give them.

    I feel guilty most of the time, whenever I have these emotional moments, because it’s such a petty thing, I would say. I have a life that a lot of people envy, and some people have real problems – problems that are far more serious than what I’m pining about at 3 o’clock in the morning.

    But I’ve come to accept that I should not feel guilty about it, because they are what makes me human. If not for the racing thoughts, existential angsts, and irrational fears – I wouldn’t be who I am today.

    They say that people cry not because they’re weak, but because they’ve been strong for too long. And maybe that’s what happened here, because that’s what happens to me every now and then.

    I eventually learned (and still learning) to manage these moments by practicing mindfulness as often as I can throughout the day. It helps me control my thoughts, and appreciate just being alive at that moment.

    We all have these bad days, when the skies are dark and it looks like a storm is brewing, and we can’t afford to get swept away by a rouge gust of wind. But it always helps to remember that beyond the storm clouds, the sun is shining above and it’s warmth will eventually pierce through.

    Get some rest, and let’s have a “no business talk” coffee session soon. 😀

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